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Rock sound like no one else
The following conversation has been transcribed from stolen police tapes. It took place in the nether regions of the parking lot of a shopping mall in suburban Southwestern Ontario, Canada circa 2004. A nondescript white van has pulled up beside an unsuspecting young man in his early twenties (referred to in the text as “Duck”, as in “sitting duck”, speaker scam terminology for potential buyer). In the van are two men in their thirties: a driver and a passenger.
PASSENGER: Hey man. You wanna buy some speakers?
DUCK: No. No. It’s okay.
DRIVER: Look man. These are good speakers, dude.
DUCK: No. I’m really not…
PASSENGER: Listen to me for a second, man. We were on a delivery and we realized we had one extra pair. If we return to the warehouse with these, man, our boss is gonna kill us. Could you do US a favor, man, and take these off our hands? We’ll cut you a good deal, man.
DRIVER: They’re Paradigms for chrissakes.
DUCK: [looks in back of van at the speaker boxes] The box says Paradon.
PASSENGER: No, man. C’mon, man.
DUCK: Are you Dennis Hopper?
PASSENGER: Man, no…c’mon.
DRIVER: Our boss is gonna KILL us.
DUCK: [reaches into his satchel, or man-purse] Look. I might consider buying these cruddy speakers if…
PASSENGER: They’re good speakers, man.
DUCK: [pulls a out a CD] …if you buy one of these CDs I got. Have you heard of this band?
DRIVER: I can’t see the name. All I see is a … white…van…
DUCK: Yeah. They’re called White Van Speaker Scam.
PASSENGER: White Van Speaker Scam? [suddenly a bit angry] What shit are you tryin’ to pull, man?
DUCK: Whaddya mean?
DRIVER: This isn’t a scam, dude.
DUCK: I didn’t say it was. This is a completely separate thing. I thought maybe we could orchestrate some sort of trade or something. Do you guys like music?
DUCK: What kinda stuff do you like?
DRIVER: Ozzy, yeah.
DUCK: Do you like stuff other than Ozzy?
DRIVER: I guess.
PASSENGER: What’s this like?
DUCK: Have you got a CD player in there?
DUCK: Well. It’s pretty groove-oriented stuff for sure and the songs have good tunes…but, to be honest, the music really doesn’t sound like anybody else.
DRIVER: C’mon. It’s gotta sound like somebody.
DUCK: From what I know of these guys, they all come from different musical backgrounds so they all bring different things to the sound.
PASSENGER: Does anyone come from an Ozzy background?
DUCK: Um…[tentatively, lying]…Sure.
DRIVER: You’re lying.
DUCK: Well, it’s got the guitar, bass and drums lineup… Just like Sabbath.
PASSENGER: Does it sound like Sabbath, man?
DUCK: I told you. It doesn’t sound like anybody else.
DRIVER: Who’s in the band? Anybody I’ve heard of?
DUCK: Adam Burnett plays guitar. Plays drums occasionally. Heard of him?
DUCK: Lee Rogers play bass and some guitar. Some piano too.
DUCK: James Scott? Drummer. Piano player. All three o’them sing.
DRIVER: Never heard of any of them. Do they play around?
DUCK: To date, just throughout Ontario. They also did a show in New York.
PASSENGER: How ‘bout you just give us the CD and we’ll listen to it.
DUCK: How ‘bout you just give me the speakers? You don’t want your boss to kill you, do ya?
DRIVER: C’mon man. We gotta make some cash on this.
DUCK: You don’t want to buy this CD by [suddenly yelling so the whole parking lot can hear] WHITE VAN SPEAKER SCAM!?!?!?!
PASSENGER: Hey! Quiet down!
DUCK: WHITE VAN SPEAKER SCAM!!!!!
DRIVER: That’s it. Screw you and your CD!
DUCK: WHITE VAN SPEAKER SCAM!!!!
PASSENGER: *@%# you, man!!!
The van drives off.
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